I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
