I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
