i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
