I'm eating all of the evidence.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
