Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
