I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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