so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
