I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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