i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
