i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
