Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize