i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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