Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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