it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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