Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
