Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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