I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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