Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
