Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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