So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
