Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Two words: blizzard sex
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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