just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I touched a dick in church today
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
