I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Floor bacon is actually really good
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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