Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
