i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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