White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
