so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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