Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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