he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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