Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
