If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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