I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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