I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
