I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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