i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
