Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
