Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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