im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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