I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
well you can't waste a boner
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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