Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
