take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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