Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
