Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize