Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
