They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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