I am midnight drunk by noon
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
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