I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
