make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
