Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
