Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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