i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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