is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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