I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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