I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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