i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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