Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
