remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
