I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
