Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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