Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
