if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
