Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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