Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
