allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
