God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize